5 common leadership myths and why they won't free us

I define leadership as an ongoing process of being responsible for self and responsive to others, but I didn't always believe that. Maybe you're also operating from other people's definition for how you should or shouldn't lead. Let's bust some myths shall we?!

MYTH #1) LEADERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW VULNERABILITY

This leadership myth is grounded in the idea that if we showed vulnerability—by this I mean, showing emotion or revealing something about yourself that is tender or that someone might use to hurt you is a no bueno as a leader. The rationality is that folks want to be led by someone who is not easily swayed by the things we cannot objectively engage in, like feelings. It makes me think about the ways we (as a culture) can sanitize the human experience, particularly for those of us who decide to become leaders.

WHY THIS WON'T FREE US

This leadership myth gives me lots of ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘big girls don’t cry’ or ‘X don’t cry’ that is ridiculous. HUMANS HAVE FEELINGS. For those of us that are anxious or empathetic or highly-sensitive, we have so many feelings to navigate (some ours, some others). So if we stay committed to this myth, we would be going against our natural ways of being which as someone who has been there and done that, is unsustainable (hola burnout!).

Not to mention, emotions are data. It is energy that is moved throughout our body in order to communicate a particular thing. The patriarchy would love it if we disconnected from our emotions and vulnerability because then we wouldn’t have access to the righteous anger that tells us when fuckery is amuck or have access to the overflow that propels us to care for another human like we would a small child.

Being able to acknowledge and manage our own emotions, allows us greater capacity to be present to what is happening and what options are available. If we were to pretend that didn’t feel confused or afraid or worried, then we would be modeling an unrealistic view of what it means to be a leaders that hurts us and anyone else who’s paying attention to how we show up.

(This is extra funny for me because I am a Gemini 🤣)

MYTH #2: LEADERS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

While I couldn’t nail down who said this, I know it’s been a slogan that has been regurgitated for some time now. A belief like this perpetuates the idea of either having something innately or not. While I can imagine that some people are ‘born leaders’ depending on how we define leadership, I can’t disregard the hundreds of people who I have seen rise to the occasion. I have redefined leadership to mean the process of being responsible for and responsive to self and others. In that case, leadership is defined by an inclusive understanding of what is possible vs. based on exclusionary rules.

WHY THIS WON'T FREE US

My biggest issue with this one is that it’s really, really not true. For example, I think about the school secretary who functions as the gatekeeper in that ecosystem. Let’s say, we want to get something done, or we want to know who the key stakeholders are or we want to connect with the one person who can make or break a project of initiative, that’s the school secretary—she’s a leader who holds power.

I bet if you took a moment to think about the people you would describe as leaders and asked yourself, were they born with those innate qualities or abilities, or were those developed over time? I would bet that there would be more people who picked up a thing or two over time. (Something to remember when your brain might tell you that, that person just knows all the things and it’s always come so easily to them).

MYTH #3: LEADERS NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS

The idea here is that in order for you to be allowed or appointed to guide people, then you need to be damn sure of what’s up ahead and what’s possible (both good, bad and in between). It requires a leader to be well versed in a variety of different things. While that’s not an issue at face value, I wonder about the impact of one person being responsible for knowing a little about a lot of things vs. knowing a lot about a few things. And I’m biased because I rather go deep than wide. 

WHY THIS WON'T FREE US

Here’s the real challenge with this one: this is unrealistic. None of us is as smart as all of us and this leadership myth in particular, is a recipe for burnout. If we think we need to know all the things, that’s a very short walk to ‘we need to DO all of the things’. I have seen so many leaders crumble at the thought that they did not know something, especially when another team member can actually fill the gap in your knowledge. This leadership myth reinforces the shame, guilt or anger that leaders may experience when they do realize this is untrue.

Alternatively, if we leaned into the concept of decentralization as a way to model our leadership then we would be able to leverage the collective experience, knowing and skills of the entire team to engage in strategy, decision-making and conflict resolution. From experience, I know that the way we currently situate leadership requires the lone wolf (at the top, if you operate in a hierarchical structure) to be responsible for doing, thinking and being all the things and that is too much for any human to bear alone.

MYTH #4: A TITLE OR POSITION DICTATES LEADERSHIP

This one is especially dangerous I would say because I think we make a lot of assumptions and bestow a lot of power to someone who does hold a particular title. When I worked in a school, I would always think: Who allowed you to be the damn principal!? Or when I worked in nonprofits, I would always think: Who appointed you to manage and support the development of others? I mean look at who became president once.

Spoiler alert: people are promoted or hired for a variety of reasons and in my experience, and in my experience, many of those folks haven’t the slightest idea of what is required of being a leader of the people vs. of the establishment. You know how they say, “behind every successful man, is a strong woman” (*cough*sexism*cough*), what they need to be saying is, “behind every leader, is a strong team” (and pay people accordingly + treat them well). 

WHY THIS WON'T FREE US

My beef with this leadership myth is that for those of us that don’t hold that particular title or position, we can underestimate our power to make change, to speak out, to shift how things are done, etc. I’m someone who helps others cultivate their own flavor of liberatory power because I don’t believe and I don’t want the only people who recognize their ability to determine reality (as my definition of power) to be people in a particular role or with a particular access.

Power is something we all have but the problem is that we live in a culture that benefits off of our perceived powerlessness at the hands of systems of oppression. I believe that in our capacity to access, lead and deepen our power in a way that is intentional, sustainable and congruent with the world we’re building. 

(Let’s replace it with you).

MYTH #5: LEADERS SHOULD BE EXTROVERTED

I can see how being someone who thrives on being social and connecting with others would be useful as a leader since you may need to represent the organization or company for different reasons. Yet, I think this is one of the small and ongoing ways we shade and marginalize introverts because our energy resourcing needs are different from extroverts. When I used to do grassroots base-building, I too would gravitate towards the folks who were quick to speak up or volunteer their opinion but over time I’ve come to see the value of the quieter, slow-burning fire of introverts that makes us excellent leaders as well.

WHY THIS WON'T FREE US

Those of us on the margins based on race, gender, class, age, ability, etc. may have learned that our experience isn’t valid or that our voices shouldn’t be heard or that our impact is minor and myths like this help to embolden these ideas. How? Well while some of us may be more naturally reserved, some of us have learned that reservation as a protective tactic since we’ve been targeted or punished for showing up in our fullness.

Myths like this one continue to reward the folks who have the privilege to show up and engage in ways that may not come naturally for others. I also want to acknowledge the strength of those of us that are not extroverted in that we are normally people who are deeply empathetic, skilled thinkers and often listen to respond. You can see how beneficial that would be in order to cultivate a culture of being seen, heard and valued.