5 Worst Ways to Give Constructive Feedback to Employees

If you've ever felt anxious when someone asks, "Can I give you some feedback?" you're not alone. Lots of folks freak out at the thought of receiving feedback because they have likely had traumatic experiences under the guise of "feedback". This post breaks down five common categories of Feedback Fuckery that can leave Feedback Receiver's feeling confused, hurt, or worse, retraumatized.

1. Commentary on Appearance

Feedback Fuckery Category #1 involves giving "feedback" about someone's looks or facial expressions. Comments like “Your facial expressions seem antagonistic” or "It doesn't look like you did your hair today" or “You look like how I feel” should not be given under the guise of "feedback".

Why This is Problematic:

• Unsolicited: These remarks often come out of nowhere, leaving people feeling attacked and self-conscious.
• Reinforces Stereotypes: For those of us on the margins, comments like this carry a racist undertone or at the very least some anti-Black biases.
• Focus on Looks, Not Content: When the focus is on how someone looks rather than what they’re saying, the actual message gets lost.

2. Commentary from a Third Party

Feedback Fuckery Category #2 involves relying something given to you from a 3rd party. Like saying, “Natalia mentioned you’re dropping the ball on this project" or something like "“Be careful what you say to people because people are talking badly about you” which creates tension and confusion rather than clarity.

Why This is Problematic:

• Perpetuates the Fear of Open Conflict: It makes team members feel like they're being watched, leading to anxiety and mistrust within teams.
• Hinders Honest Communication: Instead of addressing issues directly, it fosters a culture of gossip and back-channel communications.
• Missed Opportunities for Growth: Direct feedback allows for folks the ability to address things in a timely way, which this approach doesn't allow to happen.
• Creates an environment of policing: Hearing commentary from a 3rd party puts people on edge and makes them feel like they are being watched by Big Brother and like folks are gossiping about them

3. Attacking Character

Feedback Fuckery Category #3 involves saying something that is meant to dimish another persons character or worthiness. This can sound like "You can't do anything right" or "What's wrong with you, why haven't you figured this out yet!". These kinds of comments can feel like an attack on someone’s value which there's no place for that in the workplace.

Why This is Problematic:

• Re-traumatizing: Many individuals carry past experiences of negative feedback; harsh comments can re-open those old or unhealed wounds.
• Not Generative: Effective feedback should promote growth and development, not make someone feel like a failure.
• Demoralizing: Comments like this will inevitable lead to decreased motivation and a negative workplace culture.

4. Feedback as Punishment

Feedback Fuckery Category #4 involves using "feedback" a way to punish someone. For example, saying, “Because you didn’t email that partner in time, you won’t get a raise” or "I've been mad at you for months and now I don't want to you to come to this conference" does not help your nonprofit employee.

Why This is Problematic:

• Reinforces Control: This approach can feel like a power play, where supervisors manipulate decision-making based on past missteps.
• Promotes Perfectionism: Employees may feel they need to be perfect to avoid consequences, which isn't realistic or sustainable.
• Threatens Livelihood: Playing with someone's job security through withholding critical feedback is unethical, damaging and unnecessary.

5. Not Being Open to Feedback

Feedback Fuckery Category #5 involves when the person receiving the feedback consents to receiving feedback but they actually aren't in the proper head or heart space to RECEIVE the feedback. For example, if you're stressed and feel pressured to accept feedback but are not in the right mindset, it can lead to misunderstandings.

Why This is Problematic:

• Consent Matters: It's crucial for feedback to be a two-way street. If someone can't fully engage, it’s better to wait (as the Feedback Receiver, let's work on tuning into when you actually want to say yes or no).
• Potential Miscommunication: Accepting feedback when you're not in the right head or heart space can be very jarring and not at all helpful to you.

Putting it all together

By avoiding these five categories of Feedback Fuckery, nonprofit leaders can help their teams feel valued and supported.

If you enjoyed this blog post, you might also want to download the Feel Good Feedback Guide where I share even more detailed examples and structures about what to do when you're the feedback giver.

Here's a preview of what you will find in this 20ish page Feel Good Feedback Guide:

• Shared Language: Before we get into all the things, let's make sure we're operating from the same understanding. I'm sharing what I mean by consent-based, trauma-aware and generative.
• Methods of Feedback Delivery: I'm sharing 3 ways to ask or reflect on so you have a better sense of HOW, WHAT and WHEN to give feedback.
• Scenario Setup & Suggestions: I'm sharing recommendations for what you can do before, during and post giving feedback.
• Feedback Fuckery: Because I think it helps to see what NOT to do.
• Noteworthy: Naming shit that would be helpful for your feedback to be more likely to be implemented.

THIS IS HOW I CAN SUPPORT YOU...

My name is Petra Vega and I support BIPOC and Queer nonprofit leaders who want to speak up during crucial moments and meetings, even when self-doubt may be getting in the way.

As a Liberatory Leadership Coach, Emergent Strategist, Social Justice Facilitator, and Radical Social Worker, Petra weaves an anti-oppression lens, healing tools and playful possibility into WHO and HOW we lead.

🍄 Want to implement feedback that feels good for the receiver and the giver? Download the Feel Good Feedback Guide (it's free)

🍄 Ready to start unlearning oppressive beliefs and practices? Watch the 'So You Wanna Be Less Oppressive' Workshop Series