How BIPOC and Queer nonprofit leaders can give negative feedback to an employee

I don't know about you but thinking of giving hard feedback often makes people super tense because there's no way to know how the other person is going to receive your feedback.

This is why I'm laying out out my Feel Good Feedback approach in this blog post so you can give negative feedback without feeling like an asshole.  

Before we get into the specifics, let's be clear about what Feedback actually is:

Feedback is a reaction or response to a particular action, event or process.

Please use this definition as you filter out whether your feedback is actually feedback or whether it's criticism (rooted in perceived faults) or control (rooted in fear or scarcity).

Here's one more disclaimer that I want you to keep in mind as you read through this approach...

Feedback is about the Receiver, not the Giver.

Often times, those of us that give hard feedback are more focused on what we want to say and in a way that will work for us but I want you to think about the person that is going to receive feedback.

Guidance #1: Use your values to inform your feedback delivery

Values are muy importante and I want to invite you to integrate that even harder into how you're going to give feedback.

For example, my Feel Good Feedback is grounded in 3 values: Generative, Trauma-aware and Consent-based.

A) What does the value of generative look like in feedback?

Generative means relating to or capable of production or reproduction.

Here's a little metaphor.

The feedback I'm helping you to create in this video is intended to be a seed that grows in another person.

This means it's up to you to be thoughtful of what you are sowing in another person. This also means you gotta ask people how they want to grow and evolve, so that you can connect the feedback that you're sharing with those self-defined growth goals.

When people can understand the ways that your feedback is in support of their goals, they are more likely to be open to hearing and implementing your feedback. 

If you're still not sure whether the feedback you want to give to this person is going to be generative, then I suggest tapping into these critical thinking questions to help you clarify your intentions.

B) What does the value of consent-based look like in feedback?

Consent is the permission for something to happen or the agreement to do something.

I want to deeply acknowledge that depending on the feedback or the role that you're in, the feedback receiver may not consent to you giving them this feedback. This is obviously not ideal but I really want to emphasize how non-negotiable consent is if the goal of your feedback is really to be implemented by the receiver.

If you really want to be heard, you've got to do it based on that person's consent. I will share an example later on about what this looks like in action and how it's really okay if your feedback isn't offered immediately. We do have the space to resist that sense of urgency.

C) What does the value of trauma-aware look like in feedback?

Trauma-aware means understanding the term "trauma" and how it can change the way we view and interact with others.

While no one is expecting you to become a trauma expect, here's one definition for you to use as you filter your feedback through a trauma-aware lens.

“We become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. [...] In short, trauma is about loss of connection – to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, to others and to the world around" ~ Peter Levine, leading expert on trauma

Here's how I want you to use this definition, consider whether this feedback will make this person lose anything? Will this feedback make this person feel like they belong at work or in whatever spaces you two share? 

Guidance #2: Ask "How do you like to receive feedback?"

I know so many folks who have never been asked this question and that's so unfortunate. I believe that you and I can change that with this approach to feedback.

Let's say, the person your asking this question to can't answer it, then I want you to use my 3 methods of feedback delivery to craft feedback in a way that the feedback receiver is more likely to hear, and therefore, implement.

A) The first method of feedback is the MODE.

This method is related to HOW feedback is given.

Here's the questions I want you to ask the person receiving feedback:

• Would you like feedback to be given in person? virtually? written? verbal? publicly? privately?
• Would you like solo processing time with the feedback before engaging with the feedback giver?
• Would it be easier for you to hear a hard thing if it were 'sandwiched' between two easy to hear things?

B) The second method of feedback is the SENTENCE STEM.

This method is related to WHAT feedback is given.

Meaning, how would feedback need to be phrased so that it can feel good for you?

NOTE: People may never have been asked these questions, and so it may open up the floodgates for people, or people may need some support around options or ideas for how they can answer this question.

Here are the options and ideas I want you to offer this person:

• "I imagine your intention was X and Y was the impact."
• "I know you’re learning and I think Z could meet [goal]."
• "I noticed that you did A, can I share some feedback around that?"

C) The third method of feedback is the TIMING.

This method is related to WHEN feedback is given.

For example, let's say you're a morning person which means you have the most energy in the morning then maybe you'd appreciate hearing hard feedback earlier in the day.

On the other side, let's say you've had a really fuck-all kind of a day and the last thing you're probably going to want is to have someone dog pile some negative feedback on your already shit day. Where your head and heart are is definitely going to impact how you receive feedback and that's something we need to take into account.

For this section, I want you to ask the person you're going to give feedback this question:

• Would you like to receive feedback immediately after an action and event or after a particular process has been tried or would you like to schedule it at a mutually agreed upon later time?

Some people really like to receive feedback immediately after they do something because it's fresh in their minds, while others would really appreciate having some space and distance so that they can be more balanced and open during the feedback delivery.

The biggest takeaway for this section around the methods of feedback is to tune into when you and the receiver has the most intention, attention, energy, capacity to give and receive feedback.

We really want to maximize when this is happening because all of these different pieces really make a big impact.

Real life example of the Feel Good Feedback approach in action

I want to share a case study from one of my moments as a supervisor where I had to give my team member hard feedback that came from a client they were working with. The client no longer wanted to work with my team member because they saw this team member as incompetent. I knew this would be disappointing news for my team member to hear.

Here's how I handled it:

1. I reviewed how my team member liked to receive feedback, which was privately, in person or in real time, and in the morning.
2. I reviewed the sentence stem that my supervisee preferred, which was, "I imagine your intention was X and Y was the impact"
3. I told my team member that I had difficult-to-hear feedback to share and I asked when would be a good time to have this conversation?
4. We ended up having the feedback conversation one to two weeks away from when the client had initially shared their negative experience with me. (I believe this space and time allowed my team member the grace to process on their own terms which helped the conversation tremendously).
5. I started off the conversation by saying, "I imagine your intention when working with this client was to encourage the client to be self-sufficient and it seems like the impact for the client was that you weren't helpful in the ways that they expected. What do you think about that?". 
6. In the end, the team member was so grateful for the grace in scheduling and was so open to hear this incredibly hard feedback to hear. I believe it was because the approach to feedback was done in a way that really prioritized them as a receiver and not me as the giver.
7. My team member was able to quickly course correct after we collaborated on a plan to increase their competence around some of the areas that the client had named as areas for growth.

If you'd like more examples and guidance around how you can give negative feedback in a way that is consent-based, trauma-aware and generative, download the Feel Good Feedback Guide.

Here's a preview of what you will find in this 20ish page Feel Good Feedback Guide:

• Shared Language: Before we get into all the things, let's make sure we're operating from the same understanding. I'm sharing what I mean by consent-based, trauma-aware and generative.
• Methods of Feedback Delivery: I'm sharing 3 ways to ask or reflect on so you have a better sense of HOW, WHAT and WHEN to give feedback.
• Scenario Setup & Suggestions: I'm sharing recommendations for what you can do before, during and post giving feedback.
• Feedback Fuckery: Because I think it helps to see what NOT to do.
• Noteworthy: Naming shit that would be helpful for your feedback to be more likely to be implemented.

THIS IS HOW I CAN SUPPORT YOU...

My name is Petra Vega and I support BIPOC and Queer nonprofit leaders who want to speak up during crucial moments and meetings, without self-doubt dictating their worth, expertise or efforts.

As a Liberatory Leadership Coach, Emergent Strategist, Social Justice Facilitator, and Radical Social Worker, Petra weaves an anti-oppression lens, healing tools and playful possibility into WHO and HOW we lead.

🍄 Want to implement feedback that feels good for the receiver and the giver? Download the Feel Good Feedback Guide (it's free)

🍄 Ready to start unlearning oppressive beliefs and practices? Watch the 'So You Wanna Be Less Oppressive' Workshop Series